[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won’t You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won’t You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Verse 1:]
It’s evident you run the show, so let me back down
You take the leading role, and I’ll play the background
I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines
I’m sticking to your script, and I’m reading all your signs
I don’t need my name in lights, I don’t need a starring role
Why gain the whole wide world, If I’m just going lose my soul
And my ways ain’t purified, don’t live according to Your Word
I can’t endure this life without Your wisdom being heard
So word to every dance, a foe, a pop star
‘Cause we all play the background, but mine’s a rockstar
Yeah, so if you need me I’ll be stage right
Praying the whole world will start embracing stage fright
So let me fall back, stop giving my suggestions
‘Cause when I follow my obsessions, I end up confessing
That I’m not that impressive, matter of fact
I’m who I are, a trail of stardust leading to the superstar

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won’t You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won’t You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Verse 2:]
I had a dream that I was captain of my soul
I was master of my fate, lost control. and then I sank
So I don’t want to take the lead, ’cause I’m prone to make mistakes
All the folks who follow me, going end up in the wrong place
So let me just shadow you, let me trace your lines
Matter of fact, just take my pen, here, you create my rhymes
‘Cause if I do this by myself, I’m scared that I’ll succeed
And no longer trust in you, ’cause I only trust in me
And see, that’s how you end up headed to destruction
Paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothing
You pulled my card, I’m bluffing, You know what’s in my hand
Me, I’m just going to trust you, You cause the dice to land
I’m in control of nothing, follow you at any cost
Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss
Man, I’m so at ease, I’m so content
I’ll play the background, like it’s an instrument

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won’t You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won’t You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Bridge:]
I know I’m safest when I’m in Your will, and trust Your Word
I know I’m dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred
And I ain’t got no time to play life’s foolish games
Got plenty aims, but do they really Glorify Your name
And it’s a shame, the way I want to do these things for You
Don’t even cling to you, take time to sit and gleam from You
Seems You were patient in my ignorance
If ignorance is bliss, it’s ’cause she never heard of this

The really wonderful moments of joy in this world are not the moments of self-satisfaction, but self-forgetfulness – John Piper

Okay…. honestly I’ve been wanting to update and write something here for the longest time but I just felt I had nothing much to share. Well, nothing substantial at least. I need something to really convict me before I can write…. freely and honestly. Trust me, I’m not one who likes to bore people blogging about 7am waking up in the morning, getting fresh and going downstairs…

This year is SO NOT what I expected. Everything I thought should have happened, did not. Things I never thought would happen, did. Someone once said to me that actors spend about 80% of their time resting. I’m not sure if those words were really comforting to me at that time, but I sure have learned to live with that idea. I think I fully encompass the term “the struggling artist.” More specifically though, I have greater affinity with the word “struggling” than the word “artist.”

I have come to terms that I may never meet success in this area and seriously… it does not bother me. I have been pressured by directors to change my face shape through injections or I’ll never get going in this industry (at least in Asia). I am just so thankful for a godly group of people who surround me, who keep feeding me the right words, because if I had my priorities over God’s… I may have crumbled. I used to identify myself through how people viewed me, through success, through how many magazines I’ve appeared in.

The truth is…none of that stuff even matters!!!!!!!! Imagine being before God at the end and telling Him “so I was in Marie Claire and Female and I was friends with Zac Efron (I wish!)” What a joke! Our life here is but a breath, a fleeting shadow (Psalm 144:4). Seriously, how many times have we failed to see that it is about the greatness of God, not the significance of man?

One of my biggest struggles for the longest time is submitting to God’s sovereignty. Sounds ridiculous right? cos God is sovereign after all, what can ya do? It’s this pendulum between self and God, personal desire and His will, fear for the future and joy in the present. But really, if you think about it – and my pastor always says this- “the safest place to be is in God’s will.”

I received these words last night and hope it speaks to some of you out there questioning God’s purpose and timing…

Psalm 145:14-16

¹⁴The Lord upholds all those [of His own] who are falling and raises up all those who are bowed down.
Humble yourself so He can raise you. Self too often gets in the way doesn’t it?

¹⁵The eyes of all wait for You [looking, watching, and expecting] and You give them their food in due season.
Look to Him. He has everything covered. In His time…

¹⁶You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing with favor.
He really just wants to bless you. CLAIM IT!

On my desk

The inside cover of my bible

Doing exactly the above…
meeting Him.

I made a recent trip back to my hometown, well.. city, of Melbourne. I left Melbourne during the global economic crisis after failing to secure a graduate position when all my peers who did accounting or commerce were settled with jobs at ”the big four.”

It wasn’t that I was a bad student. In fact, I was a very good student. I have recommendation letters from professors who write that I’m one of their top students. I made many final round interviews and always lost to the person beside me. One interviewer said “you have a fantastic resume, transcript, demeanor, I can’t see you not succeeding.” LIES. Just kidding.

Anyway, I’m not writing this post to boast. Or point out to those in the corporate world “hey, I could easily do what you do.” (thats not true anyway) Cos that’s not it at all. That’s just missing the point. I just wanna tell you guys, that what seems like failure is not like that to God.

God sees the whole picture. It’s not clear for me right now, but I guess that’s part of the exciting journey of life. Taking one step, then God revealing the next step, then taking that step and so on.

“By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.”- Hebrews 11:29. Now how did the Israelites demonstrate faith? I think they stepped on the wet waters first before it parted. The Egyptians saw them pass on dry ground (seeing is believing?) and stepped on dry ground, already parted, but the waters enveloped them.

Part of me embracing Melbourne this round, apart from my bed, are my friends. They are people who are sold out for Christ. I returned to people starting street evangelistic movements, a friend fulfilling his destiny to go to bible college to train to preach, another called to missions in the third world, a friend who has experienced great loss in her life but is living each day as though there’s nothing to lose. I’ve gone and come back. People have changed. We are all on a mission now. No more status quo. We can’t see it parting yet, but we wanna step on the wet seas.

I enjoyed my retreat back home A LOT. For the beaches, BBQs, suppers, fellowship, communion, genuine rest and returning to my first love, who first loved me.

I’ve been in relationships that haven’t been God-honouring and God has been gracious enough to pull me out of them. Draw me back to Him. Encounter Him again. Acknowledge Him working in my life. Set me on a mission to live for someone much greater. Purposeful and full of passion.

So as I celebrate this V-day “alone” I am thankful that my Father gave me more than just flowers. He gave me flour (ha get it? i thought i’d underline in case I was too vague) —> the Bread of Life. Cos THAT is real love.

*cue Jaeson Ma’s —- Love is…. SACRIFICE!!!

It’s the time of the year again for reflections and resolutions.  The time when we reflect on achievements, disappointments and pen our wishes and hopes for a brighter year ahead. To me, each happy and sad moment is precious. It’s not about forgetting the past, or erasing the mistakes, it’s about embracing it, learning from it and having a good laugh about it. In the midst of my travels the past year, God has implanted life lessons along the way. Just like little droplets. There were splashes of despair, trickles of hope, and God’s flood of love.

Here are a few things…

•  I can’t SIT STILL, I have itchy hands, curious eyes and an insomniac mind. I keep thinking about what I have to do, do, do for God, the world, my family and myself. But the most important thing is that God has already done, done, done. So I should be still. Rest. And know that He is God. Keep quiet and reflect on the majesty of God.

•   I am NOT IN CONTROL. There are times when I am arrogant about my own flesh and take matters into my own hands without any godly counsel. Then when things falter, I cry out to God for help and He’s there to rescue me, pick up those little pieces. The more life becomes about me, the more complicated things get for me to handle. KISS: Keep it simple stupid. Humility. Die to self.  When God takes over, it’s gonna be beyond our wildest dreams.

•  NOTHING in this world satisfies.  That hole, that empty vacuum is not going to go away anytime. It’s going to linger for a long time until you feed it with Christ. Only His love. Acknowlege Him. ASK, SEEK, KNOCK.. and the door will be opened to you. I’ve been distracted and I want Him back as my FIRST LOVE.

• BIG MISTAKE. My gut instincts are quite spot on. If in doubt, DON’T. Sure,  life is about risks but if they are not calculated risks in accordance to God’s word, then it’s a risk NOT WORTH TAKING. Lesson learnt. Move on.

• God say I AM GOOD. I am beautiful because HE deems me so. Period.

HAPPY NEW YEAR~!!
새해 복 많이 받으세요
GOD BLESS YOU 
 ♥ Audrey ♥

I am weak, then strong, then weak again. So I describe this state of mind as inhaling moments of grace. My reality is that I am loved by God and nothing can separate me from the love of God. That is how I shall be defined in life.

[Please pray for Korea]

Over the weekend (in between my two midterm papers I might add), I took off to Pusan for the Lotte Entertainment “Red Fantasty Party” and the APAN (Asia Pacific Actors Network) after- party in celebration of the 15th PIFF (Pusan International Film Festival). 

The journey begun at Seoul Station…

A cola from Mcdonalds, an Emily Bronte novel and good conversation with a friend to cover my 3 hour KTX ride to Pusan.

Perfect weather, sky and sea.

Introducing international films on Haeundae beach.

Showcasing classic Korean Cinema by the beach.

At the APAN after-party.

With the stunning Park Sol Mi (Winter Sonata).

Tae Yang (Big Bang). This guy is a star. He makes celebs swoon at the sight of him.

Get what I mean?

The day after the party: Seul Ong and I at DJ’s burger joint. His new movie will premier next Wednesday.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Nothing much happening except exams but will try to keep this place more active.

Till then, take care and remember to eat your bananas.

xoxo

1. My very first CD was Britney Spears’
   “Baby One More Time”
   (Sometimes was the sweetest track)
2. I still own a Sony CD Walkman. 
   I use it to listen to Korean language CDs…
   이것은 무엇입니까?
3. I have never owned an MP3 player in my life. Wow, right? (or just lame?)
4. I think Pollypockets should go back to their original size.. when they were dangerous for 3 year-olds and swallowable for toddlers.
   But they opened a whole new world for me…
5. No matter how many times it comes on television as a Friday night movie,
   I just have to watch Jerry Mcguire. “Stop! Just stop. ..You had me at hello.”
6. Hot guys wear hats well.
7. Super hot guys respect women.
8. Ultra hot guys love God.
9. Something that always amazes me:
   God’s grace
10. I need to stop shopping.

I certainly don’t have it all together. Perhaps I am very good at giving people that impression. Perhaps it’s to fool myself too; an escape from reality and a blind hope that somehow things always work out in the end.

And I wonder, how long does patience last for?

But I take that leap of faith, because I have to. I can’t settle for comfort and stay satisfied. I’m always craving for more. I only have this God-given life once and I’m going to make it work. Never waste a moment or let an opportunity pass.

The nights are always good to ponder. I wonder why that is so.